Daily Smart-Assfirmations

“Every physical movement that you make burns the extra fat in your body and helps you to maintain your ideal body weight. Every time you lift a Cinnabon and stuff it in your pie hole you are actually burning fat by lifting and chewing. It all adds up!”

- by MG

“Studying comes easily to you and you love studying. As a result, your Prom prospects are essentially non-existent.”

- by MG

“You are blessed by God and you, in turn bless everything around you as if everything just sneezed.”

- by MG

“You understand that change is inevitable. You welcome change and adapt yourself to change. You adapt to the changing of change, and you change the changing of my adaptation… of change. You’ve changed my mind. You hate change.”

- by MG

“Every hand that touches you is a healing hand, except for the ones that touch you in your very private, bathing suit place. Those should be reported.“

- by MG

“There is a huge demand for your particular skills and abilities. Unfortunately for you, the demand takes place one hundred years in the future, when the acts of laziness and tardiness are considered a viable form of entertainment.“

- by MG

“Forgiving makes you feel light and free, it’s that half ton burrito that makes you feel like a lard ass.“

- by MG

“The past has no power over you. Except for the part of the past where that cute little punk girl dumped you to get back with her ex-boyfriend, who didn’t treat her half as well as you did. And in spite of the fact that you knew you would eventually break it off with her. That part of the past has still got you by the balls.”

- by MG

“You have a right to your beliefs and you have no qualms about making those beliefs known to the world via a series of unfortunately lame bumper stickers and Jesus fish decals.”

- by MG

Smart-ass Quote

“It is not work that kills men, it is worry. Worry and knives. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more on a man than he can bear. But worry is rust upon the blade. The blade of the rusty knife that will, most likely, kill you. If you don’t die from the internal bleeding, you will die from the tetanus you get from that rusty knife that you were stabbed with. Most men worry about being killed by rusty knives. It’s not just me.”

-Henry Ward Beecher