Daily Smart-Assfirmations

“You honor yourself by exercising your physical body and by stretching your mind. And you thought that you’d find no use for that taffy pulling machine you bought during a late night QVC binge.”

-by MG

Smart-Ass Quote

“Your imagination is your preview of life’s coming attractions. Your inevitable failure at everything you do is the feature presentation.”

-by Albert Einstein

Smart-Ass Quote

“Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, and keep looking as the eyeballs in my head burst into flames from staring at the sun for too long. Only then will my aspirations for sun blindness come true.”

-by Louisa May Alcott

“You know that life is eternal. You are confident that life does not end with the passing of the physical body. The fact that you have no evidence to support your “knowing” does not hinder you in the slightest. Good for you! If only the rest of the world could have utter confidence in something they had no evidence about there would be no wars, and… hold on. Scratch that.”

-by MG

“You are stable during life’s ups and downs, it’s during life’s side to sides that makes you want to vomit into your Easter bonnet.”

-by MG

“You are consciously aware of the calm silence of your spirit. I, on the other hand, am consciously aware that my spirit suffers from lactose intolerance and farts constantly because it refuses to stay away from delicious spiritual ice cream.”

-by MG

“You embrace Divine balance in your life. That tacky bronze Buddah in your living room sets off the crucifixes in your kitchen, perfectly.”

-by MG

“Right now, you accept the abundance that is flowing into your life… mostly through your mouth hole.”

-by MG

“You can make your own choices and decisions, and that stripped shirt, plaid shorts ensemble you are wearing is considered the horrifying evidence.”

-by MG

“You have the power to change yourself from a mild-mannered reporter to a super-powered man of steel! Unfortunately, that delicious lemonade you just bought from a corner stand and ingested wasn’t lemonade, after all, it was Kryptonite juice!”

-by MG

“Sliding glass doors of opportunity are opening for you. You have stepped on the magical mat in front of the opportunity grocery store of life and the magical mat has confirmed your worthiness. Please enter before you let all the warm air out of the place.”

-by MG

“You no longer quarrel with your wife, because you have come to the realization that your wife is just a women. And we all know that women are like little monkey children, incapable of logical thought and reason. Just like Jesus wrote in the Old Testament somewhere, “I put a lot of work into the creation of man, woman was kind of an after thought. I took a discarded chunk of Adam’s bone and I invented a woman. What did you really expect?”"

-by MG

Smart-ass Quote

“Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all — the deceptive waffle iron!”

-Helen Keller

“Every physical movement that you make burns the extra fat in your body and helps you to maintain your ideal body weight. Every time you lift a Cinnabon and stuff it in your pie hole you are actually burning fat by lifting and chewing. It all adds up!”

- by MG

“Studying comes easily to you and you love studying. As a result, your Prom prospects are essentially non-existent.”

- by MG

“You are blessed by God and you, in turn bless everything around you as if everything just sneezed.”

- by MG

“You understand that change is inevitable. You welcome change and adapt yourself to change. You adapt to the changing of change, and you change the changing of my adaptation… of change. You’ve changed my mind. You hate change.”

- by MG

“Every hand that touches you is a healing hand, except for the ones that touch you in your very private, bathing suit place. Those should be reported.“

- by MG