“There is a huge demand for your particular skills and abilities. Unfortunately for you, the demand takes place one hundred years in the future, when the acts of laziness and tardiness are considered a viable form of entertainment.“
- by MG
Apr
29
2009
29
2009
On Forgiveness
“Forgiving makes you feel light and free, it’s that half ton burrito that makes you feel like a lard ass.“
- by MG
Apr
28
2009
28
2009
On the Past
“The past has no power over you. Except for the part of the past where that cute little punk girl dumped you to get back with her ex-boyfriend, who didn’t treat her half as well as you did. And in spite of the fact that you knew you would eventually break it off with her. That part of the past has still got you by the balls.”
- by MG
Apr
27
2009
27
2009
On Belief
“You have a right to your beliefs and you have no qualms about making those beliefs known to the world via a series of unfortunately lame bumper stickers and Jesus fish decals.”
- by MG
Apr
24
2009
24
2009
On Worry
Smart-ass Quote
“It is not work that kills men, it is worry. Worry and knives. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more on a man than he can bear. But worry is rust upon the blade. The blade of the rusty knife that will, most likely, kill you. If you don’t die from the internal bleeding, you will die from the tetanus you get from that rusty knife that you were stabbed with. Most men worry about being killed by rusty knives. It’s not just me.”
-Henry Ward Beecher
Apr
23
2009
23
2009
On Chance
“Today you are laying it all on the line for the possibility of something more. The Banker has offered you $43,000 and you only have two cases worth more than that on the board. You want to choose case number 21 because that was the day your daughter had her wisdom teeth pulled. Howie won’t shake your hand, and he insists on bumping his Purell soaked elbow with yours. You really believe that your case contains the remaining $500,000, but it probably only has $50. Say “DEAL,” you moron! DEAL!”
-by MG
Apr
22
2009
22
2009
On Eating
“Today you are making peace with food. You have been an active participant in the ceasefire between your carrots and your mashed potatoes. Although most believe that your carrots have no business being in your mashed potatoes, the military response of your potatoes is believed to be disproportional to the invasion. I feel as if your mashed potatoes has every right to protect itself.”
-by MG
Apr
21
2009
21
2009
On Goals
“You are enjoying the process of achieving your goals, the crossing guard of your local elementary school is not. [UPDATE: No critical injuries have been reported. The parents will, most likely, be pressing charges.]“
-by MG
Apr
20
2009
20
2009
On Sensuality
“You are a sensual being, connecting to all that is around you by rubbing your private parts on inanimate objects and strangers. The police have an unflattering photo of you.”
-by MG
Apr
17
2009
17
2009
On Nurturing
“Today you will nurture your soul by allowing it to suck at the teet of your newfound spirituality.”
-by MG
Apr
15
2009
15
2009
On Counsel
Smart-ass Quote
“It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, “Get off my lawn, you damn little bastards!”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Apr
14
2009
14
2009
On Building
Smart-ass Quote
“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be… in the air. When knights on a mission or sleepwalking princesses fall to there death as they cross the drawbridge you can start a support group for family members who are grieving, and charge each person $4 to attend. That’s a wise business model.”
-Henry David Thoreau
Apr
13
2009
13
2009
On Finances
Smart-ass Quote
“First say to yourself what you would be;
and then do what you have had to do. Then take what you have to take to the taking place, make a left your mother’s elbow and go straight on till mornin’, Applejack!”
-Directions to nearest ATM, shouted at me by an anonymous homeless man
Apr
10
2009
10
2009
On Time
“Dost thou love life?
Then do not squander time,
for that is the stuff life is made of.
Other ingredients include: blood and bone,
and water and air, and dirt and plastics and metal,
and gas and excrement and bugs.
It is all the stuff life is made of.
Oh, and rocks too.”
-Benjamin Franklin
Apr
09
2009
09
2009
On Nothing
Smart-ass Quote
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. I’m guessing that I got the nothing part, you know, because of the whole “God making me deaf dumb and blind” thing. Which reminds me, did I mention that I hate God, today? I’d like to go down on record as saying, “I hate God’s guts, today.” I do. I really do.”
-Helen Keller
Apr
08
2009
08
2009
On Anger
Smart-ass Quote
“When anger rises, think of the consequences. After that, think of puppies and take a nap. When you wake, all your anger smells like puppies. Pet the puppies.”
- Confucius
Apr
07
2009
07
2009
On Closed Windows
“Whenever God closes a window a door slams shut, and Saint Jude is like ‘What the f#ck, God!’ because all of his papers get blown off his desk. It’s usually pretty windy in heaven.”
-by MG
Apr
06
2009
06
2009
On Abundance
“Your abundant thoughts and actions lead in the perfect direction of super-sizing your McDonald’s dining desires.”
-by MG
Apr
03
2009
03
2009
On Dreams
“Just because you can fly in your dreams doesn’t mean you can fly in the real world. Now, take off that tablecloth cape and get off the windowsill, you idiot!”
-by MG
Apr
02
2009
02
2009
On Support
“Your family fully supports you in your career choice and the pursuit of your dreams, just like every softcore porn artist before you.”
-by MG
