Daily Smart-Assfirmations

“Your marriage is built on Love, trust and loyalty. Unfortunately, your spouse’s marriage is built on tedium, strip clubs and excessive amounts of porn. Good luck with that!”

-by MG

“Don’t smother each other. Nothing can grow in the shade. I mean, besides mushrooms and mold. And we all know that mold is chock full of poisons and mushrooms are conceived in the depths of Satan’s bottom.”

-by MG

“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand, wearing kneepads, a foam helmet, and a sign that reads “Danger: Stumbling Fool Approaches! ”

-by MG

“Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is a half of a quarter of a part of sorrow. Shared gum lies somewhere between the shared joy and the shared sorrow. And it’s gross, so knock it off.”

-by MG

“Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond the comfortable pant size that you had before the holidays.”

-by MG

“Leave no stone unturned, except for the one covering the hive of angry Mexican jumping scorpions.”

-by MG

Smart-ass Quote

“There go the people. I must follow them for I must find a restroom.”

-François-Marie Arouet “Voltaire”

“You are a world-class musician, and as soon as playing the nose hair bass becomes socially acceptable, you will have a long and storied career.”

-by MG

“You are a great parent and you get better and better each and every day, despite the fact that your children will eventually grow to hate your guts, and won’t come to terms with what a great parent you were until you are long dead.”

-by MG

” Your heart beats strong and healthy.
Your lungs are clear and strong.
Your breasts are pert and bouncy,
and something something ding dong!”

-by MG

” Today you are molding your fecal reconstruction surgery business into an unqualified success. With your help, your clients will no longer be ashamed to look at their own poo.”

-by MG

“Today you are sharing your talents with a world thirsty for what you have to offer. Thank the heavens that you make the best heroine milkshake this side of the Mississippi.”

-by MG

“When you’re on your tennis game, you’re practically unbeatable, but you play golf like a retarded pool boy being chased by wolves.”

-by MG

“Wealth and abundance are flowing to you right now on a river created by the blood of your victims.”

-by MG

“Step by step, you are releasing all fear and all anxiety from your life. And as you reach the top of that staircase you will surprised to find yourself face to face with the blood thirsty badger that was released by a tenant on the second floor.”

-by MG

“You have all the skills, talent, intelligence, and creativity you need to achieve anything… except maybe your dreams. Perhaps you should set your dreams a little lower. Something within a mortal’s reach. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.”

-by MG

“You unconditionally love and accept yourself in every way, from your awful haircut all the way down to your chicken legs.”

-by MG

“You now see yourself as exactly the person you want to be: a stubborn, backwards, balding misogynist. No, wait, that’s me!”

-by MG

“You sure gotta pretty mouth.”

-by MG

“Even in adversity, you shine bright as the full moon on a cloudless night. And by “bright as the full moon,” I mean you don’t create any of your own light, you just reflect the brilliance of people who are much better than you, even in adversity.”

-by MG

“Prevention is better than the Cure. I saw Prevention live at the Coliseum, and they rocked the house! They really give back to their audience. The Cure’s Robert Smith is an asshole!“

-by MG

“They say, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff,’ but I say, ‘I highly recommend sweating the small stuff, it’s all your sweat glands can handle! I once saw a guy sweat the big stuff. It was disgusting.’…“

-by MG

“Give up your need to procrastinate… when you get around to it.“

-by MG

“Whenever you find yourself giving in to negative thoughts, don’t resist them. Let them cover you like a warm blanket. A warm negative, electric blanket, with flying ponies embroidered on it!“

-by MG

“You are in control of how you interpret and respond to the world as you perceive it. Pretend that you are a giant, and that all the people you hate are screaming villagers. Eat them alive and spit their bones out. That’s a fun one.“

-by MG

“Worries are like dirty laundry. You can take them to the dry cleaners, but no matter how hard they try, they won’t be able to remove that god damned cranberry juice stain! Then you are forced to donate your “worries” to the Salvation Army, or some damn thing.“

-by MG

“Open your heart and let love flow in. Preferably under a doctor’s supervision, with a really clean knife.“

-by MG

“You are loved by your family and friends. And when I say “loved,” I mean, of course, they are “jealous of your success and good looks, and want to destroy you.”

-by MG

Smart-ass Quote

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude from ordering another basket of wings from a Hooters restaurant. Let’s face it, he’s not there for the delicious wings.”

-Thomas Jefferson

“You are not alone in your struggles. The voices in your head will comfort you.”
-by MG